bittersweet beginnings (and endings).

Oh dear world. I don't even know where to begin. It has been ages since my last confession. I returned on Monday evening from a glorious trip to Vancouver, B.C. I love that city! I had so much fun and left feeling like I could have stayed much longer. My friends and I arrived in the evening on Thursday, to a delicious Ethiopian inspired birthday feast prepared by Milo. The dinner was in honor of my dear friend Frannie, who turned 33 years old on October 30th. Dessert included cardamon butter cookies and rose flavored ice-cream. Appreciations were shared and my heart was warmed.

 Highlights of the weekend included; morning stretch parties, lots of singing and sharing of yummy food, some dancing, a delightful walk on the beach, checking out the Wham! Feminist Artist Exhibit at the Vancouver Art Gallery (aka the Vag). We were also able to attend a samhain (pronounced sow-en) ritual on Halloween. I have never been to a ritual before and was quite impressed by the intention and energy put into the event by the folks organizing it. 

A lot of time was spent explaining what we were doing and unfortunately we were unable to do everything they had intended. Some folks returned later on in the evening to finish the ritual, but my group was not a part of that. We were able to participate in a spiral dance, where everyone in the group held hands and moved around in a circle, pausing to make eye contact with each person. This was a very powerful exercise. 

Two of the organizers had gotten married in a giant blanket fort earlier that day. They spent some time talking about their situation. The bride is a Canadian citizen and the groom is American, and their main impetus for getting married was so that they can live and make music together. They initiated an exercise where we all wrote things that were holding us back on pieces of paper that they created a chain out of. Then we broke the chain. This was meant to symbolize that although they had signed a contract with the government in order to be together, in their hearts they refused to limit or confine their love for each other.

After the ritual there was a potluck/party and it took me a while to transition from a more spiritual space into party-mode. I felt pretty ungrounded for a while and ended up buying a bottle of wine. Not that this was the most grounded decision but it did feel nice to get all warm and fuzzy. My friends and I ended up going to a queer dance party. We had to stand outside for a while, waiting to get in, which gave me an opportunity to show off some of my newly learned thriller dance moves. The dance night itself was rather anti-climatic, but we were able to get in for free, thanks to a generous genius with a bottle of black eyeliner. And there were some amazing costumes, including two monsters from Where the Wild Things Are.

Lack of sleep, the bit of alcohol I had drank the night before and the random combination of foods I had eaten left me feeling pretty haggard and out of it the next day. The morning was spent bumming around the house we were staying at, doing yoga, making breakfast. In the afternoon we all piled in Milo's car to get donuts. Although I was tempted, I opted out of the donut feast which in the long run, was a really good decision for my already compromised digestive track. After the donut run, we went to the ocean. It was rainy and beautiful. Huge maple leaves fell onto the sand. We examined a beached jellyfish and gathered rocks. 

That evening we hung around the house. Made dinner. I went to bed early. The next day we went out to breakfast. Prepared for the dinner party that evening. We decided to make enchiladas. Enjoyed the sun breaks by taking walks in the park across the street from Milo's house. The dinner party went well. I got to see my dear friend Max. Ate more delicious food. Including espresso chocolate cupcakes which made it harder to fall asleep.

On Monday morning Paula and I said our goodbyes and headed south. Crossing the border before 10am, we decided to stop at the highly recommended Olympus Day Spa on our way home. There we spent several hours wearing nothing but shower caps and bathrobes; alternating between hot tubs, the dry and wet sauna and rooms of sand, salt, charcoal and jade. We poured mugwort infused water over our naked bodies, read magazines, ate delicious soup and shook our heads in disbelief that all of this was real. 

Unfortunately after all of this, we spent the next 2 hours in out of rush hour traffic between Seattle and Tacoma. Although we felt relaxed and rejuvenated, this was still a trying experience. We got drove into Portland a little after 7pm. 

Being in Vancouver was a delightful experience for many reasons. Good food, good company, you can never go wrong with this combination. Even though being with a group can be trying at times (I fully admit to extreme crankiness around the time of the donut mission), I really enjoyed spending that much time with friends, really feeling like part of a family. 

I am in the process of moving, yet again, and a huge part of why I am letting go of a wonderful (warm) house with a beautiful piano, nice people and great location is because I want to be part of a team, part of a family. In my new home each person makes dinner once a week. There is a chore wheel and shared food. A free box. A garden. When I have spent time with my soon-to-be housemates we talk about politics as well as self care, about being queer, about thriving as well as surviving.

I spent a lot of time in Vancouver questioning my decision to move. Because I like the house I am in now. Because change/transition is always hard. But this move is my why of deepening my connections with the people in my life. I want more intimacy and vulnerability in my relationships. I have spent the last several years getting to know and understand myself better. Healing my heart. I am ready to let people in again. From this moment on I commit to being an active participant in life, to being fully engaged with the world.

On Tuesday evening, the American public and the electoral college elected a new president, Senator Barack Obama from Illinois. I was at home, doing some organizing in preparation for my upcoming move when I started hearing cheers from outside. Jinny, my housemate, hollered up the stairs to tell me that "they" had just annouced that Obama had won the presidential election. Shortly after that, fireworks were exploding outside, more cheering. I wanted to hug someone. I wanted to be held. 

I also was really fucking tired and just wanted to sleep. I spent some time before bed in my room, noticing and honoring the emotions I was having about the election results. Realizing that part of me has been entirely shut down ever since it was announced that Bush "won" the election in 2004. Ever since the war in Iraq started. 

Its going to take some time to adjust to having a president elect who I can relate to. who i can believe in. I don't think that Barrack Obama is going to solve all of our problems. I don't think we are ever going to go back to "the way things were...". But, like Mr. Obama, I am hopeful for our future. I am also scared of what's to come.

I am also trying to navigate through feelings of disappointment and devastation around all the anti-gay measures that passed. Proposition 8 in California. The Unmarried Couple Adoption Ban in Arkansas. 

I am relieved that voters in Colorado and South Dakota rejected proposed anti-abortion laws. 

I am doing my best to remain hopeful while being realistic. Being cynical/apathetic is an easy pattern to fall into. I am committed to moving forward. To continuing my quest to find what it is that I believe in. And from there, asking myself what I am willing to sacrifice/let go of to move towards this goal..