week in review

friday night. listening to my emo kimya dawson station on pandora. my gut feels weird. gee, maybe its cuz my after school snack was; a piece of homemade marionberry pie, a raw carrot dipped in miso and a few heaping spoonfuls of ricotta cheese. hmmm, someone needs to go grocery shopping..

anywayz, my work week is over. it was back to a different school everyday after being at the same school for 2 weeks. 

tuesday i ended up going back to the same school i had been at before. i was working with a different student and got to meet the nice young lad who took my place. it was a pretty chill day, the teacher was also a sub, we went on tree walk in the afternoon. after school i drove all the way to southwest to make it to a chiropractic appt. that i found out (after i got there) was supposed to be the next day. oops. 

wednesday was hectic. i was in a behavior classroom at a school i had never been at before. turns out that the 2 other adults (the teacher and the other para) were also both subs. turns out, the kids in the class have had subs for more days this school year than they have had days with their regular teacher. needless to say, things were intense. we all did the best we could and made it through the day mostly unscathed. i was tired and cranky by the end of the day. tired of being the new kid, of not knowing when my lunch break is or what i am getting myself into every single day..

thursday was a bit better. i was in another behavior room, but it was at a school i had been at a couple times before. there is one person that works there that i read as being queer. we haven't said much to each other, but i think they are cute and its always fun to have a work-crush-for-a-day..

today (friday) i was at a school that i have been to many times before. its a life skills class and it is pretty much the same group of kids as last year. its a really good group of kids and the adults in the room are fun and overall it was a pretty good day..

so now here i am, with a hopefully sunny weekend ahead of me. and next week is my birthday. my mom is flying here on my birthday (thursday). we are going to have a dinner party at a friend's house that evening and then head to the farm i worked at all summer on friday. 

i might have found a place to live. moving sometime in november. and i think i am going to vancouver at the end of october for a few days. 

yeah for adventures! 

weekend review and things to come

i am back from a night in the woods.jackie, paula, frannie and i went on a quick getaway to visit our friend madeline who is living and working at breitenbush hot springs. we left the city around 6:30 last night and returned around 5:30 this evening.

topics of conversation included: exchanges of energy, roses and thorns, the change of season, break-ups, making choices, zhooping the hoo-hah, shoes, wisdom teeth surgery (pros and cons), tarot readings, saturn returns, etc.

music listened to; blonde redhead, beirut, teegan and sarah and mix cd made by frannie

car snacks included: fancy cheeses from new seasons, crackers, almond butter, rice cakes, almonds, cranberries, celery, carrots. 

it was nice to be out there. to spend time with others. the four of us had never really kicked it before. we soaked under the stars, drank tea and giggled over the ridiculousness of everything after being in the car for several hours. 

things have been going so well for me lately. i have had many moments of just feeling content with how things are. which is a fairly new concept for me. instead of worrying about what i "should" be doing differently.

coming back to the city, even after being gone for a mere 23 hours, has thrown me for a loop. it is always so good to switch up the routine. jumping back into the "groove" is always a bit more challenging. i am not feeling particular excited about going back to work and wondering what else there is to look forward to/be excited about in the near future.

i had spanish class tonight. wasn't as excited about it as i was last week. think it was a combination of me being tired and the material being tedious. 

saturday night my friends and i got dressed up all fancy-like and met up at chapman elementary to watch the vaux swifts do their thing. it was extremely crowded. we ate figs stuffed with blue cheese, noodle salad, carrot butter and crackers and buckwheat muffins. potlucks are always a bit of a challenge for me. i almost always feel weird afterwards. i tend to eat more than necessary to compensate for my social anxiety. then i will beat myself up for "losing control" or whatever. this is something i have been aware of and working on for a while and it feels tired and old.

after the swifts i ended up going to a free (for me) show at the wonder ballroom. i haven't been to a live show in so long. i enjoyed just sharing the space with other folks and the energy and sounds that the 2 bands were putting out there. 

there are so many things that i want, i have been practicing saying yes this week (accentuate the sssses). i have known what i want for a really long time and now i am just working on inviting that stuff to happen and not letting those voices of doubt and self hate get in my way. i am also examining my decision making process and the amount of energy i spend making decisions (and then second guessing them)..

the theme of the week is taking care of my body and honoring where i am at. acknowledging and appreciating my limits. staying realistic, positive and hopeful. 

"don't be shy, let your feelings roll on by" cat stevens, also sang by her frannie on her cat stevens club remix, made on garage band...

final days of summer..

so the fall equinox is on tuesday. are you ready? to be honest, i really like the fall. my birthday is in the fall (october 2nd, if you didn't know); i really enjoy transitional seasons. the breeze in the air, leaves rustling under bike tires. fall gets a bad rap because its the precursor to winter... in portland the rain starts in the fall, usually sometime in october.

i have lived in portland for almost 5 years. i moved here in mid-october of 2003. within a week of my arrival, i had a bicycle and a bass guitar. i bought those things before i even had a bed. i started volunteering at laughing horse books. spent a lot of time looking for a job, listening to records and cooking food with my new housemates. even though i moved to portland from santa cruz, i ended up living with a few kids from south dakota, which is where i went to high school. i went from being a part of the queer community in santa cruz to living in a house with a bunch of straight dudes.

there was rock n' roll joe, who lived in the basement. joe is kind of like the punk rock version of elvis, he has even been known to where fringe during concerts. he is the lead singer and guitarist of a local rock band. joe worked on-call as a stagehand, usually a couple times a month. 

morgan and shawn shared the master bedroom. they were dates at the time i moved and my main connection to the house. shawn and i had known each other since high school and he had even come to visit me a few times in santa cruz. the room i lived in was tiny. and when i moved in it was less than 200 dollars a month because another couple and their huge dog, grizzly bear, were living in the basement as well. 

ian, also known as ianhead, was living in the other bedroom. when i came to visit before moved in, i wasn't sure what it was going to be like to live with ian. he seemed like kind of slacker and hung around the house a lot, sometimes without a shirt on. but we actually ended up getting along really well. we were both pretty 'chill' and tried to steer clear of drama, of which there was plenty.

there was also zoe, morgan's 10 year old dog whom everyone thought was a puppy. morgan was real excited to have a lady move into the house and insisted on being my portland guide. this usually meant the 2 of us driving around together, stoned, and her talking about a million miles per minute about everything. jumping from how the streets were situated to what her favorite record store was. i tried to keep up and retain as much as i could...

---friends, this is the beginning of a much longer story, i am realizing. if anyone has any feedback on how to make the introduction more 'active' or engaging, lemme know...--

i deserve to get what i want..

i am having a completely unfounded feeling that the special ed. teacher at the school i am currently working at hates me. sometimes she averts eye contact. her attention with me seems short. the truth is that she is probably just completely overwhelmed and the part that i like to add in is that she is also incredibly attracted to me and doesn't quite know what to do about it.

today is my second week at the same school, working with the same girl. she is real freakin' cute and part of me wishes that i could just stay working there for the rest of the school year. I am getting to know her and her routine. Today we spent some time doing yoga and riding her bike around during recess. but as tempting as it is to have that sort of regular schedule and you know, things like health insurance, etc, i am just not ready to give up me freedom. i am not going to commit myself to a full-time permanent job just for the hell of it... 

my therapist and most of my fellow artist/writer/traveller friends understand this. my parents kind of understand this. some of the people i work with don't quite understand this. are you in school? nope. do you have kids? uh-uh. i am just committed to healing/taking care of myself and its really hard to do that when you are working a monday through friday 9-5 (okay 8:30-3pm) job. i know that it is a HUGE privilege even to question whether or not to work that much. that's part of why i live in portland and not new york of san francisco. i pay $300 a month in rent. i don't need to work full time to support myself.

and i have other shit to do. i am an artist. a writer. teaching is part of what i do, buts its not the whole picture. and i am looking forward to a day when i am able to more fully integrate all of the things i like to do into my daily schedule.

and working 5 days a week makes me fucking neurotic. meal planning. early bedtimes. i am not one of those people that can make it through a work day on an apple and a cup of yogurt. i need nourishment. and it takes a lot of energy to make that happen.

i was experiencing a good amount of stress last week, working every day and coordinating the art installation that i co-created with my dear friend franceszka (which went fabulously amazing, btw). hence i only wrote one entry in here last week. i also spent the majority of my weekend healing from some sort of sinus infection turned chest cold that i caught from the cute lil darlin' i am working with right now..

but now i am back on track for the most part. i am also starting to network with some folks about starting a house in november. this is a pretty big deal for me. for the past 5 years that i have lived in portland i have always moved into other people's pre-existing homes and attempted to carve out space for myself in them. i am feeling extremely ready to start my own space (with a few good folks). i want a home... i want something to come back to..

"i deserve to get what i want", this was what came out of a co-counseling session i had over the weekend, "and it can be fun and easy".. 

getting what i want? fun and easy? you've gotta be kidding me. everything is supposed to be hard. you can get what you want, but only after years and years of not getting what you want, right? isn't that what heaven is all about? aren't we just supposed to wait until we are dead to get what we want?

so um, finding a home is going to be fun and easy..

becoming an established writer/author is fun and easy...

asking for what i want in my relationships is fun and easy..

surviving another portland winter is fun and easy...

we'll just see about that..

i am grateful..

Its been a long week. I am glad its almost over. I am working the next 2 weeks at the same school. i was really excited about being in the same place for a while. unfortunately, it's been rather challenging. the girl i am working with has a full time nurse with her at school as well as a full time aid (me for the time being). They have yet to figure out whom her permanent aid is going to be for the school year. she is a 'mainstream' 3rd grade classroom. she is cognitively at the level of a 3 or 4 year old. her main language is sign language. 

what's been hard. not knowing what to do with her most of the time. most of the classroom activities are way too advanced for her. she has been with the same group of kids since kindergarten and i think socially its a really great experience for her. academically, i am not sure how much she is getting out of it. the school psychologist does yoga with her every day. i think thats fucking awesome. 

It appears as though if i were interested in a full time/permanent position, i would be able to work at this school. what i am realizing more and more this week is that i am not sure how much longer i want to do this kind of work. working in the public school system as an aid feels really limiting, as far as how much i can do. for a long time i have been thinking about going back to school for art or music therapy. i think a good next step for me would be to contact someone i know that has gone to school for that. what their experiences/process was like..

my friend and i hung up an art installation this evening. the show is tomorrow. its an art show for procrastonators. its been a really fun project to work on. i want to invite more creation and collaborative projects into my life.

and its been fucking gorgeous out. people say that this happens every september in portland but i dont remember it ever being this beautiful. i have been riding my bike to work and every morning i am just so grateful to be alive and moving..

my housemates keep picking apples and making all sorts of delicious things with them, let's just say i have had crisp 3 times this week. things must be good.

TGIF

Its Friday night. Its beautiful out. I had a really good day.

I woke up at 6am so I would I have time to do aerobic yoga exercises before work.

The classroom I was in today was way fun. It is a transitional program for kids ages 18-21. The idea is to give them structure and support to become more self-sufficient and independent; to prepare them for "the real world". In the morning we read the paper, played music and picked apples and pears to make smoothies with. In the afternoon we played kickball with the other classes. Pretty rockin'. 

After work I rode my bike to the library, picking up the 2 books I had on hold (one is "How to Become a Famous Writer Before You're Dead" by Ariel Gore) and also managed to pick up a pint of Coconut Bliss ice cream. My friend came over and we ate ice cream with blueberries and talked about the joys and challenges of living with other people, amongst other things.

The extended weather forecast for the next week is sunshine every single day. I love it. Tomorrow I am going rollerskating at Oaks Park for my friend's birthday. Life is good.

Back to School

I have started a few blogs before and haven't been very dilligent about keeping up with them. We'll see how this one goes...

I am a substitute para-educator in the Portland Public School system. What is a paraeducator you ask? Good question..

A paraeducator is basically an educational assistant for classrooms that have kids with special needs. Since I am a sub, my job is completely different every day. The age range is kindergarten through some transitional programs for 18-21 year olds. This is my second year doing this work.

I am also a writer, a musician and an artist. I do yoga, I like to cook food and play with friends. I am queer, female identified and socialized. I have several tattoos. Most of my clothes I have acquired at second-hand stores and free boxes. Needless to say, I don't always fit the mold of someone who is working in the school system. 

Sometimes I feel more like a secret spy than someone than a figure of authority. I plan to use this blog to document and process what goes on my daily working and non-working life.

Thursday September 4th

Today was my first working day of the school year. Yesterday was technically the first day of school but I guess there wasn't a very high demand for subs because I didn't get any calls in the morning, which was fine, I needed the rest. I just got back into town after working at a farm outside of Corvallis, Or all summer. I am still re-adjusting to city life...

Today I worked in a behavior room for kindergarteners. Most of the kids in the class have autism and/or pretty severe behavior issues. This means that screaming, pinching, hitting, and kids trying to run out of the classroom are things that happen on a regular basis. Since it is the first week of school things are even more challenging because there are a few kids who have never been in a classroom before.

I have been at this school before and was excited to go back. Shortly after I got there, I remembered the one major issue I had with how the class was run. The teacher and the other paras all use gummi bears as positive reinforcement for good behavior. "Oh I like how Jimmy has been sitting quietly," the teacher will say, as she whips out her plastic baggie of gummi bears, handing him one for the whole class to see.

I do not agree with giving kids sugar, especially as a way of rewarding them. Um, dont you think its going to be even harder to get them to behave/listen to you/sit quietly/be nice to each other, if they are all jacked up on sugar all the time. I know, a gummi bear or two probably doesn't have that much sugar in it, but its a matter of principal, goddamnit!

Another thing that bothers me is that now for "security reasons" kids are only allowed to bring pre-packaged food to school to share with other students for birthday treats. Gone are the days of homemade cookies, now all the kids bring are Safeway cupcakes and plastic wrapped goodies. Its so sad.

I have just accepted a job for the next 2 weeks. I have also just decided to collaborate on an art installation with my friend, the show is next friday. Its gonna be a busy coupla weeks. Wish me luck...