color talk

me and my purple mug

for over 2 years, i lived with two different people who had a strong aversion to the color purple. no, not the alice walker novel, but just the color, purple. during this time, i went out of my way to avoid bringing home items that were of a purple hue because i didn't want to offend anyone. 

I realized not soon after my second purple-hater housemate moved to San Francisco that i actually really like the color purple. for example, at this moment, i have some chamomile/oatstraw/skullcap tea steeping in a purple mug. I have had this mug since my freshman year of college. my mom bought it for me at cost plus world market in santa cruz, a day or two before she headed back to the midwest, leaving me to my own devices, armed with such essential items as a faux leatherman from target, many cans of soup and this very purple mug. i have dropped this mug at least once or twice, and it has survived. i like its texture (smooth) and its shape (oval).

Directly behind my purple tea mug is my purple Sigg water bottle. My friend Ayla once referred to it as my 'lesbian chalice'. I have had it for about a year now, and it has all sorts of dings, dents and paint scrapes on it. 

I also have a purple quilt on my bed. My mom made this quilt for me as a birthday present the year after I graduated from college. She is one of those people who claims she isn't that creative or crafty, and then busts out a handmade quilt.

I do not consider myself to be one of those people that has an obsession with a certain color or theme. But i wonder how often that stuff just happens on accident. you know, when you were little you really liked frogs and now, 20 years later, your family still gets you frog stuff for your birthday. that happened to my friend with hello kitty. 

I guess I did have a long term quasi-monogamous love affair with the color blue. we still see each other from time to time but we have definitely opened up our relationship. 

moving on to another color that people have strong feelings about, pink. my friend Naomi cut my hair yesterday and i decided i wanted a lil' added flair to it. luckily there was a container of manic panic hot hot pink hair dye that someone had left behind. pink is a color i have always appreciated, in small doses. i don't know if i have ever actually dyed my hair using manic panic before. i know that in high school i wanted to dye my hair blue, coincidentally right after my friend Sara dyed hers green, but it never happened.

 i did dye my hair dark red/magenta during the summer after my freshman year of high school.

i went up to Minnesota to visit my friend Erin. she said she would help me dye my hair. so we got stoned and mixed up the dye. she handed me the bowl, said 'here you go, have fun,' and walked over to the couch and turned on the television. i didn't really know what to say. i just went into the bathroom and did the best i could. my hair was still red for school pictures the following September.

ouch.

I woke up early this morning, around 6am. this is about the time i usually wake up on work days, sometimes snoozing until 6:30. As a lay in bed basking in the warmth of my thick comforter that i just put back on my bed, i had a sneaking suspicion that i was probably not going to get any work calls today. my brain started racing with all the glorious things i could do with this unexpected day off. writing was one of the first things on my list, yet here it is, 10 minutes to 11pm and i am sitting down to write for the first time all day..

what was i doing you ask? oh plenty of important things. i had a long conversation with my housemate. i uploading pictures onto my computer. i walked to the coffee shop down the street and ordered a single soy latte with extra milk. (i have been dabbling in coffee lately, risky business i know, but its fun to experiment). I went grocery shopping. I applied to work at New Seasons.

around noon i decided to go for a run. this seemed like a perfectly harmless idea. i had been on the computer for a couple hours and figured some fresh air and a little exercise would do me some good. About 5 blocks into my run, i fell. i fell hard. harder than i have in years. my foot caught on a piece of uneven pavement. i skipped and for a minute it almost felt like i could catch myself. and if i was walking i probably would have. but i was running. fast. i broke my fall with my left hip, elbow and both hands. i skidded on the cement. a couple folks working on the house i was running by oohed and ahhed. they asked me if i was okay. 

why is this what people ask when you hurt yourself? of course i wasn't really okay, i was in pain, confused and a little flustered. after i managed to pull myself up and assess my injuries, i just looked at the ground and said "that really hurt" and continued on my way. Of course about 2 steps beyond my captivated audience, i started to cry. i proceeded to cry for the entire duration of my run. due to my unexpected tumble, i did a lot more walking and crying than running, and even though it hurt, it felt good to cry.

i had a really intense therapy session yesterday. it almost felt like a personal training session. we were talking about my avoidance of pain and discomfort in my relationships. My therapist was encouraging me to push towards (and perhaps through) discomfort instead of skirting around it. She also pointed out the obvious disconnect between what was going on in my head and what was going on in my body. 

funny that the day after all that, this should happen. hurting yourself makes you pay attention to your body. and getting hurt, especially around other people, always makes me cry. and once i started crying, i felt like i couldn't stop. and while i was walking the 20 plus blocks home, i realized i haven't been crying that much lately. this is somewhat abnormal for me. 

this evening i attended QLiterati, a monthly open mic and reading at the QCenter. The event was free and totally awesome. There was snacks and raffle prices. People that asked to readers questions got homemade cookies. Ariel Gore read, amongst others. I met Frannie there. Afterwards, I walked her to the bus stop. The bus came before we could finish our conversation, and I noticed i had a lot to say,being that i was mostly alone all day. 

After frannie boarded her bus, i realized that my bike gloves were missing. not in my bag. not in my bike bucket. oh dear. I re-traced my steps to the QCenter. Being that I was tired and I hate losing things, I started to cry once again. As I approached the train tracks separating me from the QCenter, the lights started dinging and the gates came down. I spent the next 20 minutes, crying and waiting for the longest train ever to pass. Of course, by the time i got back to the QCenter, the lights were off and everyone had gone home. Its okay, i thought to myself, we'll just call them tomorrow (i often refer to myself as a we).

I made my way home, trying to stay positive, hopeful and grateful, even in the midst of a somewhat trying day. When i got home, I took off my bike helmet and hat, only to find my cute little gloves nestled inside. No wonder my helmet had felt so much tighter on the way home...

post-bday blog

I had all sorts of plans this evening. My first thought was to write a few thank you letters to a the lovely people that helped make my birthday weekend supercalifabulous... but i don't have any stamps. So I  added "get stamps" to my to-do list tomorrow and decided to move onto plan B. 

Plan B was to hem my new pants that my mom bought for me (at .. the gap ..). But I can't find my sewing kit. Drats, spoiled again.

So here I sit, stomach gurgling from second helping of delicious (yet spicy) birthday soup. No one else is home and I am appreciating the quiet after a jam-packed birthday weekend. (Did I mention it was my birthday on Thursday?)

I kicked off my birthday morning by meeting my dear friend Frannie at FuBonn, a huge Asian supermarket in SE Portland. Frannie showered me with sequins, glitter, and bubbles and brought a birthday crown for me to wear; leaving a colorful explosion on the wet asphalt next to my car. We spent over an hour somewhat aimlessly wandering the aisles of this mini-metropolis. Marveling at fancy packaging and food we had never seen before.

I had moments of crankiness, grocery stores (especially of the flourescently lit, overwhelming large, pop music playing variety) aren't really my element. Plus I was feeling a little under the weather. I reached my threshold and could make no more decisions and basically wanted to leave. Unfortunately this was while frannie was still in the walk down every single aisle and look at everything phase. I appreciated her wanderlust and also had to honor my own limits. Our main objective was to acquire ingredients for my birthday dinner. Which Frannie oh so kindly offered to host at her house.

I spent the remainder of the afternoon somewhat moping around, let's face it, i felt kind of weird. Not necessarily an "oh my god i'm getting old" weird (i turned 27, just so you know). Just a kind of birthdays are weird, weird. My mom flew in from southern california in the afternoon. Yes, I intentionally plotted a visit from mom on my birthday weekend. Some may find this strange, wanting to spend your birthday with a parental figure, but my mom is great and we are pretty close and i wanted her to be a part of the celebration.

After retrieving mi madre from the airport, we headed to the Kennedy School, an elementary school turned hotel, where we had a reservation. We were able to squeeze in a quick dip in their soaking pool before heading to frannie's to make dinner. The dinner menu included salad rolls with peanut sauce, edamame and tom yum soup. We had some elaborate dessert plans involving waffles, whipped cream and fresh strawberries, but dinner was so satisfying that we never even got to dessert (except for frannie and i did devour a good amount on a delicious yellow watermelon that daphna brought over). It was a somewhat small gathering, 9 people (including myself) were in attendance. 

Even though at one point i realized i was nearing exhaustion and most of my guests had yet to arrive, once everyone did arrive and i was able to step out of the kitchen and just enjoy the food and company, i felt really good about things. One of things I am working on is taking moments to be grateful and acknowledge all the wonderful people and things i have going on in my life, and my birthday party was just a reminder of all there is to be grateful for..

The following afternoon my mom and i headed to 4 Wands Farm, which is where is spent the majority of summer working as an apprentice. Our 48 hours there were filled with more delicious food, lots of rain, hanging out with animals, spontaneous poetry readings, piano playing, cider pressing, cheese making, etc. 

It's getting late and I am getting sleepy so this story will have to be elaborated on next time. I'll leave you in suspense, unless you were there, then you know what happened..

week in review

friday night. listening to my emo kimya dawson station on pandora. my gut feels weird. gee, maybe its cuz my after school snack was; a piece of homemade marionberry pie, a raw carrot dipped in miso and a few heaping spoonfuls of ricotta cheese. hmmm, someone needs to go grocery shopping..

anywayz, my work week is over. it was back to a different school everyday after being at the same school for 2 weeks. 

tuesday i ended up going back to the same school i had been at before. i was working with a different student and got to meet the nice young lad who took my place. it was a pretty chill day, the teacher was also a sub, we went on tree walk in the afternoon. after school i drove all the way to southwest to make it to a chiropractic appt. that i found out (after i got there) was supposed to be the next day. oops. 

wednesday was hectic. i was in a behavior classroom at a school i had never been at before. turns out that the 2 other adults (the teacher and the other para) were also both subs. turns out, the kids in the class have had subs for more days this school year than they have had days with their regular teacher. needless to say, things were intense. we all did the best we could and made it through the day mostly unscathed. i was tired and cranky by the end of the day. tired of being the new kid, of not knowing when my lunch break is or what i am getting myself into every single day..

thursday was a bit better. i was in another behavior room, but it was at a school i had been at a couple times before. there is one person that works there that i read as being queer. we haven't said much to each other, but i think they are cute and its always fun to have a work-crush-for-a-day..

today (friday) i was at a school that i have been to many times before. its a life skills class and it is pretty much the same group of kids as last year. its a really good group of kids and the adults in the room are fun and overall it was a pretty good day..

so now here i am, with a hopefully sunny weekend ahead of me. and next week is my birthday. my mom is flying here on my birthday (thursday). we are going to have a dinner party at a friend's house that evening and then head to the farm i worked at all summer on friday. 

i might have found a place to live. moving sometime in november. and i think i am going to vancouver at the end of october for a few days. 

yeah for adventures! 

weekend review and things to come

i am back from a night in the woods.jackie, paula, frannie and i went on a quick getaway to visit our friend madeline who is living and working at breitenbush hot springs. we left the city around 6:30 last night and returned around 5:30 this evening.

topics of conversation included: exchanges of energy, roses and thorns, the change of season, break-ups, making choices, zhooping the hoo-hah, shoes, wisdom teeth surgery (pros and cons), tarot readings, saturn returns, etc.

music listened to; blonde redhead, beirut, teegan and sarah and mix cd made by frannie

car snacks included: fancy cheeses from new seasons, crackers, almond butter, rice cakes, almonds, cranberries, celery, carrots. 

it was nice to be out there. to spend time with others. the four of us had never really kicked it before. we soaked under the stars, drank tea and giggled over the ridiculousness of everything after being in the car for several hours. 

things have been going so well for me lately. i have had many moments of just feeling content with how things are. which is a fairly new concept for me. instead of worrying about what i "should" be doing differently.

coming back to the city, even after being gone for a mere 23 hours, has thrown me for a loop. it is always so good to switch up the routine. jumping back into the "groove" is always a bit more challenging. i am not feeling particular excited about going back to work and wondering what else there is to look forward to/be excited about in the near future.

i had spanish class tonight. wasn't as excited about it as i was last week. think it was a combination of me being tired and the material being tedious. 

saturday night my friends and i got dressed up all fancy-like and met up at chapman elementary to watch the vaux swifts do their thing. it was extremely crowded. we ate figs stuffed with blue cheese, noodle salad, carrot butter and crackers and buckwheat muffins. potlucks are always a bit of a challenge for me. i almost always feel weird afterwards. i tend to eat more than necessary to compensate for my social anxiety. then i will beat myself up for "losing control" or whatever. this is something i have been aware of and working on for a while and it feels tired and old.

after the swifts i ended up going to a free (for me) show at the wonder ballroom. i haven't been to a live show in so long. i enjoyed just sharing the space with other folks and the energy and sounds that the 2 bands were putting out there. 

there are so many things that i want, i have been practicing saying yes this week (accentuate the sssses). i have known what i want for a really long time and now i am just working on inviting that stuff to happen and not letting those voices of doubt and self hate get in my way. i am also examining my decision making process and the amount of energy i spend making decisions (and then second guessing them)..

the theme of the week is taking care of my body and honoring where i am at. acknowledging and appreciating my limits. staying realistic, positive and hopeful. 

"don't be shy, let your feelings roll on by" cat stevens, also sang by her frannie on her cat stevens club remix, made on garage band...

final days of summer..

so the fall equinox is on tuesday. are you ready? to be honest, i really like the fall. my birthday is in the fall (october 2nd, if you didn't know); i really enjoy transitional seasons. the breeze in the air, leaves rustling under bike tires. fall gets a bad rap because its the precursor to winter... in portland the rain starts in the fall, usually sometime in october.

i have lived in portland for almost 5 years. i moved here in mid-october of 2003. within a week of my arrival, i had a bicycle and a bass guitar. i bought those things before i even had a bed. i started volunteering at laughing horse books. spent a lot of time looking for a job, listening to records and cooking food with my new housemates. even though i moved to portland from santa cruz, i ended up living with a few kids from south dakota, which is where i went to high school. i went from being a part of the queer community in santa cruz to living in a house with a bunch of straight dudes.

there was rock n' roll joe, who lived in the basement. joe is kind of like the punk rock version of elvis, he has even been known to where fringe during concerts. he is the lead singer and guitarist of a local rock band. joe worked on-call as a stagehand, usually a couple times a month. 

morgan and shawn shared the master bedroom. they were dates at the time i moved and my main connection to the house. shawn and i had known each other since high school and he had even come to visit me a few times in santa cruz. the room i lived in was tiny. and when i moved in it was less than 200 dollars a month because another couple and their huge dog, grizzly bear, were living in the basement as well. 

ian, also known as ianhead, was living in the other bedroom. when i came to visit before moved in, i wasn't sure what it was going to be like to live with ian. he seemed like kind of slacker and hung around the house a lot, sometimes without a shirt on. but we actually ended up getting along really well. we were both pretty 'chill' and tried to steer clear of drama, of which there was plenty.

there was also zoe, morgan's 10 year old dog whom everyone thought was a puppy. morgan was real excited to have a lady move into the house and insisted on being my portland guide. this usually meant the 2 of us driving around together, stoned, and her talking about a million miles per minute about everything. jumping from how the streets were situated to what her favorite record store was. i tried to keep up and retain as much as i could...

---friends, this is the beginning of a much longer story, i am realizing. if anyone has any feedback on how to make the introduction more 'active' or engaging, lemme know...--

i deserve to get what i want..

i am having a completely unfounded feeling that the special ed. teacher at the school i am currently working at hates me. sometimes she averts eye contact. her attention with me seems short. the truth is that she is probably just completely overwhelmed and the part that i like to add in is that she is also incredibly attracted to me and doesn't quite know what to do about it.

today is my second week at the same school, working with the same girl. she is real freakin' cute and part of me wishes that i could just stay working there for the rest of the school year. I am getting to know her and her routine. Today we spent some time doing yoga and riding her bike around during recess. but as tempting as it is to have that sort of regular schedule and you know, things like health insurance, etc, i am just not ready to give up me freedom. i am not going to commit myself to a full-time permanent job just for the hell of it... 

my therapist and most of my fellow artist/writer/traveller friends understand this. my parents kind of understand this. some of the people i work with don't quite understand this. are you in school? nope. do you have kids? uh-uh. i am just committed to healing/taking care of myself and its really hard to do that when you are working a monday through friday 9-5 (okay 8:30-3pm) job. i know that it is a HUGE privilege even to question whether or not to work that much. that's part of why i live in portland and not new york of san francisco. i pay $300 a month in rent. i don't need to work full time to support myself.

and i have other shit to do. i am an artist. a writer. teaching is part of what i do, buts its not the whole picture. and i am looking forward to a day when i am able to more fully integrate all of the things i like to do into my daily schedule.

and working 5 days a week makes me fucking neurotic. meal planning. early bedtimes. i am not one of those people that can make it through a work day on an apple and a cup of yogurt. i need nourishment. and it takes a lot of energy to make that happen.

i was experiencing a good amount of stress last week, working every day and coordinating the art installation that i co-created with my dear friend franceszka (which went fabulously amazing, btw). hence i only wrote one entry in here last week. i also spent the majority of my weekend healing from some sort of sinus infection turned chest cold that i caught from the cute lil darlin' i am working with right now..

but now i am back on track for the most part. i am also starting to network with some folks about starting a house in november. this is a pretty big deal for me. for the past 5 years that i have lived in portland i have always moved into other people's pre-existing homes and attempted to carve out space for myself in them. i am feeling extremely ready to start my own space (with a few good folks). i want a home... i want something to come back to..

"i deserve to get what i want", this was what came out of a co-counseling session i had over the weekend, "and it can be fun and easy".. 

getting what i want? fun and easy? you've gotta be kidding me. everything is supposed to be hard. you can get what you want, but only after years and years of not getting what you want, right? isn't that what heaven is all about? aren't we just supposed to wait until we are dead to get what we want?

so um, finding a home is going to be fun and easy..

becoming an established writer/author is fun and easy...

asking for what i want in my relationships is fun and easy..

surviving another portland winter is fun and easy...

we'll just see about that..