i deserve to get what i want..

i am having a completely unfounded feeling that the special ed. teacher at the school i am currently working at hates me. sometimes she averts eye contact. her attention with me seems short. the truth is that she is probably just completely overwhelmed and the part that i like to add in is that she is also incredibly attracted to me and doesn't quite know what to do about it.

today is my second week at the same school, working with the same girl. she is real freakin' cute and part of me wishes that i could just stay working there for the rest of the school year. I am getting to know her and her routine. Today we spent some time doing yoga and riding her bike around during recess. but as tempting as it is to have that sort of regular schedule and you know, things like health insurance, etc, i am just not ready to give up me freedom. i am not going to commit myself to a full-time permanent job just for the hell of it... 

my therapist and most of my fellow artist/writer/traveller friends understand this. my parents kind of understand this. some of the people i work with don't quite understand this. are you in school? nope. do you have kids? uh-uh. i am just committed to healing/taking care of myself and its really hard to do that when you are working a monday through friday 9-5 (okay 8:30-3pm) job. i know that it is a HUGE privilege even to question whether or not to work that much. that's part of why i live in portland and not new york of san francisco. i pay $300 a month in rent. i don't need to work full time to support myself.

and i have other shit to do. i am an artist. a writer. teaching is part of what i do, buts its not the whole picture. and i am looking forward to a day when i am able to more fully integrate all of the things i like to do into my daily schedule.

and working 5 days a week makes me fucking neurotic. meal planning. early bedtimes. i am not one of those people that can make it through a work day on an apple and a cup of yogurt. i need nourishment. and it takes a lot of energy to make that happen.

i was experiencing a good amount of stress last week, working every day and coordinating the art installation that i co-created with my dear friend franceszka (which went fabulously amazing, btw). hence i only wrote one entry in here last week. i also spent the majority of my weekend healing from some sort of sinus infection turned chest cold that i caught from the cute lil darlin' i am working with right now..

but now i am back on track for the most part. i am also starting to network with some folks about starting a house in november. this is a pretty big deal for me. for the past 5 years that i have lived in portland i have always moved into other people's pre-existing homes and attempted to carve out space for myself in them. i am feeling extremely ready to start my own space (with a few good folks). i want a home... i want something to come back to..

"i deserve to get what i want", this was what came out of a co-counseling session i had over the weekend, "and it can be fun and easy".. 

getting what i want? fun and easy? you've gotta be kidding me. everything is supposed to be hard. you can get what you want, but only after years and years of not getting what you want, right? isn't that what heaven is all about? aren't we just supposed to wait until we are dead to get what we want?

so um, finding a home is going to be fun and easy..

becoming an established writer/author is fun and easy...

asking for what i want in my relationships is fun and easy..

surviving another portland winter is fun and easy...

we'll just see about that..