thanksgiving restrospective

this picture was taking on thanksgiving morning at my new home, The Sassy Shack. After my roomies, Paula and Naomi, and I realized we were all wearing blue hoodies, we decided to take a few pictures.

A Decade of Thanksgivings

1998: Sioux Falls, SD

I don't remember much, okay anything, about this Thanksgiving. To be honest, I am not even 100% sure that I was in Sioux Falls. There is a slight chance that my family and I drove up to St. Cloud, Mn to spend the weekend with my mom's niece and her family. All I know is that this was the last Thanksgiving I spent with my mother, father and brother to date. I was 17 years old and a senior in high school.

1999: Whittier, Ca

I was a freshman in college at the University of California at Santa Cruz. I drove down to So-Cal with one of my crazy roommates. I spent the weekend at my Aunt Amy's house in Whittier. I was stoned for most of the weekend. I remember eating lots of food and listening to Radiohead on my Discman. I went to Hollywood one evening with my cousin Teo, his girlfriend Valerie and their friend Johnny Socko. We ended up going to several different clubs and getting really drunk. The details are a bit blurry, but I do have a vague recollection of being in the backseat with Johnny at the end of the night and having to tell him to leave me alone. My cousin and his girlfriend were in the front seat and didn't really do much to acknowledge the situation.

My aunt sent me off with a few joints. I had a really awkward ride with my uncle to meet my housemate. He is a man of few words. I don't think we exchanged more than a few sentences during the hour plus drive. This probably would not have been such a big deal if I wasn't stoned and super self-conscious. On the drive back to Santa Cruz, my housemate and I were in stop and go traffic for several hours. I convinced her to let me stick my head out the car window and take a few puffs off of one of the joints that my aunt gave me.

2000 Whittier, Ca

My friend and housemate Lauren flew down together. Lauren is terrified of flying and I had her nails digging into my arm for the entire flight. My uncle Tim picked me up at the airport. On the way to my aunt's house, we talked about politics. George Bush had just been elected. I think I said something about not seeing a huge difference between the Republican and Democratic parties. I didn't have much to back up this statement, except for that I was a second year college student surrounded by radicals and trying to figure out my own beliefs. 

My cousin invited me to go out with him and his friends again, this time I said no. I stayed at Lauren's family's apartment in L.A. the night before we flew home. We ate sushi and hung out on the roof of her apartment building. Although we didn't start hooking up until a few months later, there was still quite a bit of sexual tension between us at this time.

2001 Palo Alto, Ca

I decided not to go down to So-Cal this year. Instead I spent the day with my friend and housemate Julia (pronounced Hoo-lia) and her family. They made tamales. I interviewed her mother for my Spanish class. Hoolia got really embarrassed because her family talked lots about pets they had buried during dinner. I thought it was hilarious. I decided to drive back to Santa Cruz that evening. I had the house to myself. The heat kept coming on and made the shutters to the sliding glass door make all sorts of noise. I got kind of spooked out and had a hard time falling asleep.

2002 New York, NY

My friend Sarah and I were living in a one-bedroom apartment in Fort Greene, Brooklyn. We were both in New York doing internships for school. We had lucked out and found an amazing space in a central part of town, right above a subway stop even. The only downfall was that her bedroom doubled as the living room. 

We had all gone out the night before. I was sharing a bed with Jeff, a friend visiting from California. Sarah was sharing her bed with Neil, another visiting Californian. Sarah was working at this Internet cafe in the East Village. She always had to work long hours and was only getting paid $5 dollars an hour under the table. She was supposed to be at work at 6am. She kept hitting the snooze button on her alarm, which meant the radio went off every 5 minutes, blaring booty jams. Along with this, the unpredictable radiators kept turning on and off, making lots of noise and spewing hot water.

All of this made it hard to sleep. We got up fairly early and decided to make french toast. Jeff stayed behind to try and get some more rest. Neil and I navigated our way around the huge supermarket by our place, which was quite bumpin' on the morning of Thanksgiving. We had decided to order some pot through a delivery service (very new york). When we got back from our shopping adventure, this guy showed up to deliver the goods. We were still making breakfast. He sold us an eighth of weed in a plastic container with Bob Marley stickers on it for $100. We offered him some french toast, he politely declined. 

In the afternoon, we took the subway over to Devlin's grandma's house. Grandma had other plans for the day so we had to apartment (and the very small but well stocked kitchen) all to ourselves. We spent the next several hours drinking mate and preparing our Mexican-inspired Thanksgiving feast, which included beans and rice and roasted vegetable and mashed potato enchiladas.

A few friends came over. Mostly folks that we knew from California. And my Australian co-worker, Illie. She was a little drunk when she arrived and was taken aback by how "civilized" my friends were. I think she was surprised we weren't all wasted and was a bit embarrassed for showing up drunk. 

We ate and played dominoes. I remember at one point saying that I had no idea where I would be living in a year. That felt scary and exciting.

2003 Portland, Or

I had just moved to town a little over a month ago. I was living in a house in Northeast Portland with several friends from South Dakota and a guy named Joe. We had decided to have a vegan thanksgiving. Unfortunately Morgan had gotten really drunk the night before, and she was the main one planning the feast and I think she was too hungover to enjoy it. We had other South Dakotans come down from Seattle and up from California. Our friend Dave missed his flight. Somehow he managed to get a ride to the bay area and our friends drove down to get him. I had just adopted a cat, Mister Sister. He spent most of the day being freaked out and hiding under the bed in Ian's room. I remember laughing a lot with Kim and her friend. 

2004 Pichilemu, Chile

I had been traveling with Sarah and Breagan for a little over a month. We ended up in Pichilemu, a small beach town south of Santiago, because we wanted to go surfing. We had had our first lessons with Elvis, the Chilean surfing instructor, the day before. We had gone out to dinner that night. Sarah and I had ordered the same thing, which ended up being super cheesy. Sarah had diarrhea most of the next. She opted out of going surfing that morning. 

That evening we went out to a different restaurant. It felt like after being together for a month straight, we didn't have much to say to each other. I think we were all feeling a little homesick. I was also concerned about my health because I hadn't had a good bowel movement in over week. I would head to Santiago to seek medical assistance a couple days later.

2005 Portland, Or

I was living at a house called the Squirrel Ship. My housemates and I had invited a few folks over for dinner. I made squash soup. My friend Rachel who had just moved to town came over late and I was kind of upset/disappointed. Frannie came over later on with pumpkin bread. We played line picture line picture. I am pretty sure Finn and Morgan were there too.

2006 Portland, Or

I was getting ready to move out of the Squirrel Ship. We had another feast. This time Frannie was living in the house. Our friend Kari came over with a lentil loaf, stuffing and at least one pie. I made butternut squash and millet cakes as well as a baked acorn squash and apple dish. Tuesday was there. So was Chelsea. Chane came over later. It was cold and we walked around on the front porch. We played Apples to Apples.

2007 Olympia, Wa

My original plan was to spend the day at my friend Finn's house. But then Frannie had received an invitation to a Spanksgiving extravaganza in Olympia. I had had a difficult couple months and decided that getting out of town would be really good for me. This caused some ripples in my relationship with Finn but we have managed to work through it.

We left for Olympia on Thursday afternoon. I hadn't seen much of Frannie lately and we had a nice talk on the way up. About mental health. About making (and not making) decisions. When we arrived one of the first people we ran into was a mutual friend from Seattle. There were lots of people there and the majority of them were drinking alcohol. 

The feast was delicious and we did a go around before we ate. We all said our name, where we were from, what dishes we brought and what animal we were most like. I said I was like a bear, or a whale. The evening was a bit debaucherous. Some people were wasted by dinnertime. We never even got to dessert that evening. Later we had an impromptu dance party and I read a children's book with a group of people before going to bed.

2008 Portland, Or

This year my new housemates and I decided to host a Thanksgiving dinner at our house. It also doubled as our housewarming party, since 3 out of 5 people have moved in in just the past couple months. We spent all day preparing food and listening to music. I took a lot of pictures. We paused from preparing to conduct a ritual for the new moon at 11:55am. We all wrote down wishes for the next month. We chose one to read aloud and then burn. I smudged everyone with sweetbrush. We held hands and hugged. It was special.

Everyone came over around 4. It was a little overwhelming to have so many people show up at once. We were almost able to fit everyone at the table. We did a go around where everyone said there name and one thing they were grateful for. We also acknowledged that the original Thanksgiving was based on genocide, colonization and appropriation, and that we want to recognize that while also acknowledging that we are re-creating this day for ourselves.

After dinner we played line picture line picture and celebrity password. At the end of the evening we ended up cleaning up the house so well you could barely tell we had hosted a gigantic feast. After everyone left, Naomi and I put in Harold and Maude but she started falling asleep so we turned it off. It was an epic and delightful day. Perhaps the best Thanksgiving yet..

Siren Nation Festival

I have officially moved into my lovely new home, aptly named 'the sassy shack'. my room is coming along, still deciding whether or not to paint it...

My new housemates are lovely and overall, I am really happy to be here. I experienced a short bout of insomnia, i.e. waking up at 4:30 in the morning 2 days in a row and not being able to fall back asleep, but fortunately that seems to have subsided. 

Last weekend, which feels like a million years ago, I had the pleasure of attending a workshop entitled "Start Your Own F*cking Writing Career", facilitated by Michelle Tea. It was part of the 2nd Annual Siren Nation Festival and it was completely free.

I wasn't really sure what to expect. I've seen Michelle read before, at the Anarchist Book Fair in San Francisco, and I've read "The Passionate Mistakes and Intricate Corruption of One Girl in America", her first book . To be honest, I appreciate all the amazing organizing she does, but I am not always wild about her writing, so I wasn't sure what to expect.

She started off the workshop by reading an article she had written on starting your own spoken word event. Michelle was one of the co-founders of Sister Spit, a lesbian-feminist spoken word collective that started in 1994 in the bay area. The ladies of Sister Spit eventually took their show on the road, going on a month long cross-country tour, bringing 13 writers and performance artists (and a roadie) with them in 2 vans. 

Although the original Sister Spit has now disbanded, Michelle has recently started Sister Spit: The Next Generation. The next crew of seven fabulous writers and artists is hitting the road in April 2009. You can check them out on myspace, www.myspace.com/sisterspitnextgen. 

The workshop ended up being really fun, informative and interesting. Michelle spent most of time answering audience questions. She is a witty and charasmatic person. It was exciting and inspiring to hear about her life and the process she has gone through to become a full time writer/organizer/artist and to be able to collectively pick her brain with fellow Portland writers and queerbos for an hour and a half. 

I mean, the woman co-organized a nationwide spoken word tour before internet and cell phones. She is teaching a beginning fiction class at Mills College right now even though she herself does not have a college degree. And she has recently started her own non-profit, RADAR Productions, so she can continue to organize literary events in the bay area and beyond with the financial support of grants and state funding.

She did have some words of wisdom to share, her main point being that if you want to be a successful writer, you have to put your writing first, always. before your shitty job, before your shitty relationships. She also emphasized the importance of building a literary community and putting your work out in the world as much as possible, which is one of the main reasons she and Sini Anderson created Sister Spit in the first place. 

The Siren Nation Festival itself was really well organized and had quite a variety of cool things to check out. There were musical showcases on Friday and Saturday evenings at the Wonder Ballroom, films being shown earlier on in the week, free workshops in the afternoons on Saturday and Sunday and a craft fair on Sunday afternoon. Some of the other workshop topics included; canning and perserving, building a rocket stove, electronic music, zine-making, and much more. This was the festival's second year and it appeared to be quite a success.

Word Stock, a weekend long writing festival, was also happening this weekend, but between moving and attending Siren Nation events, I wasn't able to make it. Oh well, there's always next year. I am so grateful to live in a city with so many amazing people putting on such fabulous events! Yeah Portland!

bittersweet beginnings (and endings).

Oh dear world. I don't even know where to begin. It has been ages since my last confession. I returned on Monday evening from a glorious trip to Vancouver, B.C. I love that city! I had so much fun and left feeling like I could have stayed much longer. My friends and I arrived in the evening on Thursday, to a delicious Ethiopian inspired birthday feast prepared by Milo. The dinner was in honor of my dear friend Frannie, who turned 33 years old on October 30th. Dessert included cardamon butter cookies and rose flavored ice-cream. Appreciations were shared and my heart was warmed.

 Highlights of the weekend included; morning stretch parties, lots of singing and sharing of yummy food, some dancing, a delightful walk on the beach, checking out the Wham! Feminist Artist Exhibit at the Vancouver Art Gallery (aka the Vag). We were also able to attend a samhain (pronounced sow-en) ritual on Halloween. I have never been to a ritual before and was quite impressed by the intention and energy put into the event by the folks organizing it. 

A lot of time was spent explaining what we were doing and unfortunately we were unable to do everything they had intended. Some folks returned later on in the evening to finish the ritual, but my group was not a part of that. We were able to participate in a spiral dance, where everyone in the group held hands and moved around in a circle, pausing to make eye contact with each person. This was a very powerful exercise. 

Two of the organizers had gotten married in a giant blanket fort earlier that day. They spent some time talking about their situation. The bride is a Canadian citizen and the groom is American, and their main impetus for getting married was so that they can live and make music together. They initiated an exercise where we all wrote things that were holding us back on pieces of paper that they created a chain out of. Then we broke the chain. This was meant to symbolize that although they had signed a contract with the government in order to be together, in their hearts they refused to limit or confine their love for each other.

After the ritual there was a potluck/party and it took me a while to transition from a more spiritual space into party-mode. I felt pretty ungrounded for a while and ended up buying a bottle of wine. Not that this was the most grounded decision but it did feel nice to get all warm and fuzzy. My friends and I ended up going to a queer dance party. We had to stand outside for a while, waiting to get in, which gave me an opportunity to show off some of my newly learned thriller dance moves. The dance night itself was rather anti-climatic, but we were able to get in for free, thanks to a generous genius with a bottle of black eyeliner. And there were some amazing costumes, including two monsters from Where the Wild Things Are.

Lack of sleep, the bit of alcohol I had drank the night before and the random combination of foods I had eaten left me feeling pretty haggard and out of it the next day. The morning was spent bumming around the house we were staying at, doing yoga, making breakfast. In the afternoon we all piled in Milo's car to get donuts. Although I was tempted, I opted out of the donut feast which in the long run, was a really good decision for my already compromised digestive track. After the donut run, we went to the ocean. It was rainy and beautiful. Huge maple leaves fell onto the sand. We examined a beached jellyfish and gathered rocks. 

That evening we hung around the house. Made dinner. I went to bed early. The next day we went out to breakfast. Prepared for the dinner party that evening. We decided to make enchiladas. Enjoyed the sun breaks by taking walks in the park across the street from Milo's house. The dinner party went well. I got to see my dear friend Max. Ate more delicious food. Including espresso chocolate cupcakes which made it harder to fall asleep.

On Monday morning Paula and I said our goodbyes and headed south. Crossing the border before 10am, we decided to stop at the highly recommended Olympus Day Spa on our way home. There we spent several hours wearing nothing but shower caps and bathrobes; alternating between hot tubs, the dry and wet sauna and rooms of sand, salt, charcoal and jade. We poured mugwort infused water over our naked bodies, read magazines, ate delicious soup and shook our heads in disbelief that all of this was real. 

Unfortunately after all of this, we spent the next 2 hours in out of rush hour traffic between Seattle and Tacoma. Although we felt relaxed and rejuvenated, this was still a trying experience. We got drove into Portland a little after 7pm. 

Being in Vancouver was a delightful experience for many reasons. Good food, good company, you can never go wrong with this combination. Even though being with a group can be trying at times (I fully admit to extreme crankiness around the time of the donut mission), I really enjoyed spending that much time with friends, really feeling like part of a family. 

I am in the process of moving, yet again, and a huge part of why I am letting go of a wonderful (warm) house with a beautiful piano, nice people and great location is because I want to be part of a team, part of a family. In my new home each person makes dinner once a week. There is a chore wheel and shared food. A free box. A garden. When I have spent time with my soon-to-be housemates we talk about politics as well as self care, about being queer, about thriving as well as surviving.

I spent a lot of time in Vancouver questioning my decision to move. Because I like the house I am in now. Because change/transition is always hard. But this move is my why of deepening my connections with the people in my life. I want more intimacy and vulnerability in my relationships. I have spent the last several years getting to know and understand myself better. Healing my heart. I am ready to let people in again. From this moment on I commit to being an active participant in life, to being fully engaged with the world.

On Tuesday evening, the American public and the electoral college elected a new president, Senator Barack Obama from Illinois. I was at home, doing some organizing in preparation for my upcoming move when I started hearing cheers from outside. Jinny, my housemate, hollered up the stairs to tell me that "they" had just annouced that Obama had won the presidential election. Shortly after that, fireworks were exploding outside, more cheering. I wanted to hug someone. I wanted to be held. 

I also was really fucking tired and just wanted to sleep. I spent some time before bed in my room, noticing and honoring the emotions I was having about the election results. Realizing that part of me has been entirely shut down ever since it was announced that Bush "won" the election in 2004. Ever since the war in Iraq started. 

Its going to take some time to adjust to having a president elect who I can relate to. who i can believe in. I don't think that Barrack Obama is going to solve all of our problems. I don't think we are ever going to go back to "the way things were...". But, like Mr. Obama, I am hopeful for our future. I am also scared of what's to come.

I am also trying to navigate through feelings of disappointment and devastation around all the anti-gay measures that passed. Proposition 8 in California. The Unmarried Couple Adoption Ban in Arkansas. 

I am relieved that voters in Colorado and South Dakota rejected proposed anti-abortion laws. 

I am doing my best to remain hopeful while being realistic. Being cynical/apathetic is an easy pattern to fall into. I am committed to moving forward. To continuing my quest to find what it is that I believe in. And from there, asking myself what I am willing to sacrifice/let go of to move towards this goal..

thrill the world 2008

Yesterday my friend Nickey (pictured above) and I woke up early, got dolled up as the undead and rode our bikes to the Rose City Rollers Hangar at Oak's Park. We used cornstarch to give us the look of the dead complexion, lots of black eyeshadow for the "we haven't slept in a thousand years" (because we're dead) eyes and a mixture of corn syrup and red food coloring for the "i've been eating brains all day" fake blood. 

We cruised down the east bank esplanade, argh-raring at all the saturday morning joggers and cyclists we could. (Our responses were varied, some folks laughed, some rolled their eyes, some seemed oblivious to the fact that zombies had taken over the Springwater Corridor, and some even rarred right back at us..).

We arrived at Oak's Park just in time to do one final practice run of the thriller dance before the real deal. After we registered, one of the organizers had us get into our positions for the dance. "Just remember," she yelled, "you will be dancing with thousands of people all over the world." 

This event was part of an international movement called Thrill the World. Apparently some woman from Toronto decided she wanted to learn the thriller dance. Then she decided that she wanted to teach it to as many people as possible. Then she decided to try and beat the Guinness Book of World Records for the number of people doing the thriller dance at the same time. For more information, go to www.thrilltheworld.com.

All dancers and audience members paid $5. The event was a benefit for the Sexual Minority Youth Resource Center (SMYRC). The actual dance is 6 minutes long. We started at 11am, the event was over by 11:15.

To see a video of me doing the dance, go to www.youtube.com/watch?v=ohXO10kv6rw. I am the 3rd zombie from the right. This event happens every year, in cities all over the world. The dance is really fun (and surprisingly easy) to learn. I encourage anyone that has a little bit of zombie dancer in them to try it out.

7 Things You Should Know About Me.

So my dear friend Carrot tagged me. What does this mean? That I am going to tell you 7 random things about myself and then I have to tag 7 other people who have blogs to do the same... Here are my fun facts about me, more details at the end...

1. When I was little, like 6 or 7, my mom made me go to manners class, which was the modern day version of a cotillion, which she had to go to as a kid. We didn't really have to dance with each other, from what I remember. But we did have to practice things like using formal dinnerware and answering the phone. If our parents weren't home, we learned how to lie and say that they were, so that no creepy adults would act on the opportunity of abducting an unsupervised child. I remember being really embarrassed because when we were practicing what to say, I accidentally said that my parents weren't home. It was one of those moments when my face got really red and everyone went "ooooooh." For the graduation we had to dress up real fancy like and do some weird step/dance thing while some adult person introduced us. I remember that I said I wanted to be a princess, or a queen when I grew up. And when the adult person read that part about me, all the adults laughed.

2. I have lived in all of the states that start with a "c". I was born in Colorado. We moved to California when I was three. And then we moved to Connecticut during the summer before 5th grade started. We did move again, in the middle of my eighth grade year, to Sioux Falls, South Dakota. I ended up moving back to California when I was 17 to go to college at the University of California at Santa Cruz. I have been living in Portland for 5 years. 

3. I have an Eloise tattoo on my right leg and "you are here" written on my chest, surrounded by several stars.

4. My middle name is Mattie, after my great-grandmother. My cousins and I all called her  Nanymama. She was born and raised in rural Tennessee and lived in Atlanta, Georgia most of her adult life. She lived to be 103 years old.

5. This weekend I am going to be participating in "Thrill the World". What is thrill the world, you ask? Well this woman from Canada decided she wanted to teach herself the dance from the Michael Jackson video, "Thriller". Then she decided she wanted to try and beat the Guinness Book of World Records for the most people doing the same dance at the same time. If you go to www.thrilltheworld.com you can learn more about the event and see the videos she has made of herself teaching the dance. People from all over the world will be participating in this year's event, which will be happening this Saturday. The Portland chapter of Thrill the World organizers have been working hard to recruit as many zombies as possible. The event is at the Rose City Rollers Hangar at Oak's Park.  It starts at 11am (the dance is only 6 minutes long) and costs $5. All proceeds go to SMYRC, the Sexual Minority Youth Resource Center. 

6. I had an all female radio show in college called "happy and bleeding". I got the name from a P.J. Harvey song. I also co-hosted an indie rock show called "left of the dial" with my friend Joe. For one hot minute I was helping my friend Cody out with his talk show, "Workers' Power" but I got in trouble for playing a song with swear words in it.

7. In 9th grade I got kicked out of advanced English class for calling my teacher, Ms. Haar, Ms. Whore. I didn't think she heard me, but she did. I tried the old classic of just claiming she had heard me wrong, but one of my classmates, whom I was trying to impress in the first place, told the vice principal that I had most definitely said what she thought I said. 

So I actually have decided not to tag anyone else. I know, its kind of cheating but I am still somewhat new to this blog thing and don't have many blogging friends (that I know of), besides Carrot, who tagged me. And I dont really want to tag folks I don't know... at the moment. Maybe later...

Climbing PoeTree's Hurricane Season

 "Are you ready to have your mind blown?" Frannie asked me. I didn't quite know what to say. 

"I guess so. Or else I wouldn't be here." Honestly, I really had no idea what I was getting myself into. I had shown up to this Wednesday evening performance at the Pacific Northwest College of Art because a friend strongly recommended I go. Because it was free. Because I was curious. 

The day of the show, I had almost talked myself out of going. I was feeling like I might be getting sick (a common reason why I talk myself out of doing things) and it was a school night. Also I have just been super busy lately and a night at home has become a rare occurrence. But I had made it there regardless. Driving straight from a chiropractor's appointment where I had the muscles in my jaw massaged until I cried, I made it. 

When I got inside my friends had saved me a spot in the second row (bless their dear hearts). I felt pretty overwhelmed at first. A lot of people I knew were there and I was in a weird space. A weird, I'm not quite sure what to say to anyone space. I sat down and ate my $6 cup of roasted pumpkin soup from the restaurant next door. It was expensive, but it sure was good.

Getting some food in my belly helped me feel grounded and gave me a chance to just sit and absorb my surroundings. The stage set-up was elaborate built mostly out of bamboo with a rather large white screen in the center. There were photographs on either side of the screen, one of someone jumping through the air. Another of a woman with a butterfly over her mouth (note: the photographs were taken by Layla Love).

Shortly after 7, Alixa and Naima (the 2 fabulous women that make up Climbing Poe Tree) came on stage and introduced themselves. I was immediately impressed by how down to earth they seemed. They also both seemed really positive and genuinely excited, but not nervous or anxious. They thanked everyone for coming and talked a little bit about the performance. 

Their show, Hurricane Season: The Hidden Messages of Water, is described on their website (www.hurricaneseasontour.com) as "a 2 womyn show about unnatural disaster and a great shift in universal consciousness... The Hidden Messages in Water interweaves spoken word poetry, sound collage, shadow art, dance, film and animation to explore critical issues facing humanity through the kaleidoscope of Hurricane Katrina and its aftermath."

In their introduction, Alixa talked about the powerful oak trees that survived the storm on the gulf coast. How did they do it? By spreading their roots far and wide, and interlocking with other oak trees in the area. "You can't bring down a thousand oak trees bound beneath the soil". Part of the mission of the Hurricane Season tour is to connect and inspire other oak trees to come together and resist injustice.

Alixa and Naima left the stage to get ready for their performance. While they were getting ready, Sallome Hralima came on stage to introduce herself and go over some of the logistics of the show. Sallome is another Brooklynite on tour with Alixa and Naimi, traveling around the country in a somewhat run-down white van run on vegetable oil. She gave a brief rundown of the timeline for the performance, reminded everyone to turn off their cell phones, and encouraged the audience to make a lot of noise during the performance so Alixa and Naima wouldn't feel like they were alone in their practice space, rehearsing. 

The first hour of Hurricane Season goes back and forth between audio clips of Katrina survivors, video footage interspersed with collage-style animation, and several spoken word pieces performed by Alixa and Naima. 

The material they are presenting is nothing short of devastating, addressing not only Hurricane Katrina and its aftermath, but issues surrounding global warming, environmental injustice, gentrification, and over-consumption as well. Although this part of the performance is heavy to say the least, the amount of passion and energy that Alixa and Naima have when they are on stage together is totally inspiring, even when they are pointing out how the human race and the planet earth are entering in a time of "unnatural disaster".

After about an hour, the first half of the show concluded and they decided to give us a break. The lights turned on and the audience was encouraged to do whatever we needed in the next 10 minutes to take care of ourselves. The energy in the room had totally shifted. I was pretty much speechless. After spending a few moments just being held by my friends, I decided to go to the bathroom. 

The person I was next to in line was totally in tears. There was an incredibly awkward moment where were the only 2 people in the room (besides the 2 folks in the stalls) and I wish I would have offered her a hand or a hug. Even though I have done a decent amount of work on honoring my feelings, and have also done my fair share of crying in public spaces, I was taken aback by how uncomfortable I felt by this person's uncandid display of emotion, mainly because I was having my own emotional response to the piece and I didn't quite know how to reach out to this perfect stranger.

After intermission, Sallome facilitated what climbing poetree has deemed the solution-cipher portion of the performance, where they invite a handful of activists from the city the performance is happening in to come up on stage and talk about the work they are doing in the community and what the audience can do to help. There were 4 people on stage, representing local organizations including the Global Family Network (www.globalfam.org), Outside In (outsidein.org) and OPAL (Organizing People, Activating Leaders, www.opalpdx.org). The idea behind the solution cipher is to give folks examples of ways to get involved with local organizations that are doing work directly involving the issues brought up in the first part of the performance. 

After the solution-cipher, there was another 45 minutes of video, dance and spoken word. The theme of this portion of the show seemed to be on the power of transformation and liberation. We may be in an extremely dark time of history, but this should only inspire us more to find our own unique passions/gifts/drive and share it with the world. "We are all here for a reason." "There is no place where love cannot find you." These are two lines that were repeated during this portion of the performance. 

They also used images and audio clips based on Masaru Emoto's Hidden Messages of Water. Dr. Emoto's work involves documenting the formation of water crystals on frozen water that is exposed to different messages. Check out his book, The Hidden Messages of Water, or www.whatthebleep.com/crystals for more information about this. Basically, water that was "exposed" to positive messages (i.e. I love you, you're beautiful, etc.) formed completely different crystals than samples that were exposed to negative messages (i hate you, you make me sick, etc.) which sometimes didn't even form crystals at all. 

Okay, I know that this is whoo to the nth degree, but cynical judgements aside (which are usually, in my personal experience, a sign of fear in accepting new information, yet important to notice) this shit is pretty amazing. please look at the pictures before you make any final decisions. 

And on a continued side note: I often have a hard time with the amount of sarcasm and cynacism that has become pretty much a pre-requisite of folks of my generation, especially involving issues around spirituality. Yes I know, one could find something wrong with pretty much anything, but i think we need to try and find something to believe in, to be as positive and hopeful as possible, instead of turning everything into a struggle and falling into patterns of isolation and feeling defeated.

I am not the first person to say this, and this is pretty much what alixa and naima were getting at during the closing segment of Hurricane Season. All in all, this performance was satisfying in pretty much every single way. I am still blown away by the amount of energy, time and intention that was put into this show. Even though there was no cushioning or softening of the grim reality of the state of emergency that this world is in, I left feeling completely humbled, inspired and so fucking grateful to be able to participate in this event. Thank you! 

please check out www.climbingpoetree.com or www.hurricaneseasontour.com for more information. They are only about halfway through their tour and if their van makes it, they just might be performing soon in a city near you!

color talk

me and my purple mug

for over 2 years, i lived with two different people who had a strong aversion to the color purple. no, not the alice walker novel, but just the color, purple. during this time, i went out of my way to avoid bringing home items that were of a purple hue because i didn't want to offend anyone. 

I realized not soon after my second purple-hater housemate moved to San Francisco that i actually really like the color purple. for example, at this moment, i have some chamomile/oatstraw/skullcap tea steeping in a purple mug. I have had this mug since my freshman year of college. my mom bought it for me at cost plus world market in santa cruz, a day or two before she headed back to the midwest, leaving me to my own devices, armed with such essential items as a faux leatherman from target, many cans of soup and this very purple mug. i have dropped this mug at least once or twice, and it has survived. i like its texture (smooth) and its shape (oval).

Directly behind my purple tea mug is my purple Sigg water bottle. My friend Ayla once referred to it as my 'lesbian chalice'. I have had it for about a year now, and it has all sorts of dings, dents and paint scrapes on it. 

I also have a purple quilt on my bed. My mom made this quilt for me as a birthday present the year after I graduated from college. She is one of those people who claims she isn't that creative or crafty, and then busts out a handmade quilt.

I do not consider myself to be one of those people that has an obsession with a certain color or theme. But i wonder how often that stuff just happens on accident. you know, when you were little you really liked frogs and now, 20 years later, your family still gets you frog stuff for your birthday. that happened to my friend with hello kitty. 

I guess I did have a long term quasi-monogamous love affair with the color blue. we still see each other from time to time but we have definitely opened up our relationship. 

moving on to another color that people have strong feelings about, pink. my friend Naomi cut my hair yesterday and i decided i wanted a lil' added flair to it. luckily there was a container of manic panic hot hot pink hair dye that someone had left behind. pink is a color i have always appreciated, in small doses. i don't know if i have ever actually dyed my hair using manic panic before. i know that in high school i wanted to dye my hair blue, coincidentally right after my friend Sara dyed hers green, but it never happened.

 i did dye my hair dark red/magenta during the summer after my freshman year of high school.

i went up to Minnesota to visit my friend Erin. she said she would help me dye my hair. so we got stoned and mixed up the dye. she handed me the bowl, said 'here you go, have fun,' and walked over to the couch and turned on the television. i didn't really know what to say. i just went into the bathroom and did the best i could. my hair was still red for school pictures the following September.

ouch.

I woke up early this morning, around 6am. this is about the time i usually wake up on work days, sometimes snoozing until 6:30. As a lay in bed basking in the warmth of my thick comforter that i just put back on my bed, i had a sneaking suspicion that i was probably not going to get any work calls today. my brain started racing with all the glorious things i could do with this unexpected day off. writing was one of the first things on my list, yet here it is, 10 minutes to 11pm and i am sitting down to write for the first time all day..

what was i doing you ask? oh plenty of important things. i had a long conversation with my housemate. i uploading pictures onto my computer. i walked to the coffee shop down the street and ordered a single soy latte with extra milk. (i have been dabbling in coffee lately, risky business i know, but its fun to experiment). I went grocery shopping. I applied to work at New Seasons.

around noon i decided to go for a run. this seemed like a perfectly harmless idea. i had been on the computer for a couple hours and figured some fresh air and a little exercise would do me some good. About 5 blocks into my run, i fell. i fell hard. harder than i have in years. my foot caught on a piece of uneven pavement. i skipped and for a minute it almost felt like i could catch myself. and if i was walking i probably would have. but i was running. fast. i broke my fall with my left hip, elbow and both hands. i skidded on the cement. a couple folks working on the house i was running by oohed and ahhed. they asked me if i was okay. 

why is this what people ask when you hurt yourself? of course i wasn't really okay, i was in pain, confused and a little flustered. after i managed to pull myself up and assess my injuries, i just looked at the ground and said "that really hurt" and continued on my way. Of course about 2 steps beyond my captivated audience, i started to cry. i proceeded to cry for the entire duration of my run. due to my unexpected tumble, i did a lot more walking and crying than running, and even though it hurt, it felt good to cry.

i had a really intense therapy session yesterday. it almost felt like a personal training session. we were talking about my avoidance of pain and discomfort in my relationships. My therapist was encouraging me to push towards (and perhaps through) discomfort instead of skirting around it. She also pointed out the obvious disconnect between what was going on in my head and what was going on in my body. 

funny that the day after all that, this should happen. hurting yourself makes you pay attention to your body. and getting hurt, especially around other people, always makes me cry. and once i started crying, i felt like i couldn't stop. and while i was walking the 20 plus blocks home, i realized i haven't been crying that much lately. this is somewhat abnormal for me. 

this evening i attended QLiterati, a monthly open mic and reading at the QCenter. The event was free and totally awesome. There was snacks and raffle prices. People that asked to readers questions got homemade cookies. Ariel Gore read, amongst others. I met Frannie there. Afterwards, I walked her to the bus stop. The bus came before we could finish our conversation, and I noticed i had a lot to say,being that i was mostly alone all day. 

After frannie boarded her bus, i realized that my bike gloves were missing. not in my bag. not in my bike bucket. oh dear. I re-traced my steps to the QCenter. Being that I was tired and I hate losing things, I started to cry once again. As I approached the train tracks separating me from the QCenter, the lights started dinging and the gates came down. I spent the next 20 minutes, crying and waiting for the longest train ever to pass. Of course, by the time i got back to the QCenter, the lights were off and everyone had gone home. Its okay, i thought to myself, we'll just call them tomorrow (i often refer to myself as a we).

I made my way home, trying to stay positive, hopeful and grateful, even in the midst of a somewhat trying day. When i got home, I took off my bike helmet and hat, only to find my cute little gloves nestled inside. No wonder my helmet had felt so much tighter on the way home...

post-bday blog

I had all sorts of plans this evening. My first thought was to write a few thank you letters to a the lovely people that helped make my birthday weekend supercalifabulous... but i don't have any stamps. So I  added "get stamps" to my to-do list tomorrow and decided to move onto plan B. 

Plan B was to hem my new pants that my mom bought for me (at .. the gap ..). But I can't find my sewing kit. Drats, spoiled again.

So here I sit, stomach gurgling from second helping of delicious (yet spicy) birthday soup. No one else is home and I am appreciating the quiet after a jam-packed birthday weekend. (Did I mention it was my birthday on Thursday?)

I kicked off my birthday morning by meeting my dear friend Frannie at FuBonn, a huge Asian supermarket in SE Portland. Frannie showered me with sequins, glitter, and bubbles and brought a birthday crown for me to wear; leaving a colorful explosion on the wet asphalt next to my car. We spent over an hour somewhat aimlessly wandering the aisles of this mini-metropolis. Marveling at fancy packaging and food we had never seen before.

I had moments of crankiness, grocery stores (especially of the flourescently lit, overwhelming large, pop music playing variety) aren't really my element. Plus I was feeling a little under the weather. I reached my threshold and could make no more decisions and basically wanted to leave. Unfortunately this was while frannie was still in the walk down every single aisle and look at everything phase. I appreciated her wanderlust and also had to honor my own limits. Our main objective was to acquire ingredients for my birthday dinner. Which Frannie oh so kindly offered to host at her house.

I spent the remainder of the afternoon somewhat moping around, let's face it, i felt kind of weird. Not necessarily an "oh my god i'm getting old" weird (i turned 27, just so you know). Just a kind of birthdays are weird, weird. My mom flew in from southern california in the afternoon. Yes, I intentionally plotted a visit from mom on my birthday weekend. Some may find this strange, wanting to spend your birthday with a parental figure, but my mom is great and we are pretty close and i wanted her to be a part of the celebration.

After retrieving mi madre from the airport, we headed to the Kennedy School, an elementary school turned hotel, where we had a reservation. We were able to squeeze in a quick dip in their soaking pool before heading to frannie's to make dinner. The dinner menu included salad rolls with peanut sauce, edamame and tom yum soup. We had some elaborate dessert plans involving waffles, whipped cream and fresh strawberries, but dinner was so satisfying that we never even got to dessert (except for frannie and i did devour a good amount on a delicious yellow watermelon that daphna brought over). It was a somewhat small gathering, 9 people (including myself) were in attendance. 

Even though at one point i realized i was nearing exhaustion and most of my guests had yet to arrive, once everyone did arrive and i was able to step out of the kitchen and just enjoy the food and company, i felt really good about things. One of things I am working on is taking moments to be grateful and acknowledge all the wonderful people and things i have going on in my life, and my birthday party was just a reminder of all there is to be grateful for..

The following afternoon my mom and i headed to 4 Wands Farm, which is where is spent the majority of summer working as an apprentice. Our 48 hours there were filled with more delicious food, lots of rain, hanging out with animals, spontaneous poetry readings, piano playing, cider pressing, cheese making, etc. 

It's getting late and I am getting sleepy so this story will have to be elaborated on next time. I'll leave you in suspense, unless you were there, then you know what happened..

week in review

friday night. listening to my emo kimya dawson station on pandora. my gut feels weird. gee, maybe its cuz my after school snack was; a piece of homemade marionberry pie, a raw carrot dipped in miso and a few heaping spoonfuls of ricotta cheese. hmmm, someone needs to go grocery shopping..

anywayz, my work week is over. it was back to a different school everyday after being at the same school for 2 weeks. 

tuesday i ended up going back to the same school i had been at before. i was working with a different student and got to meet the nice young lad who took my place. it was a pretty chill day, the teacher was also a sub, we went on tree walk in the afternoon. after school i drove all the way to southwest to make it to a chiropractic appt. that i found out (after i got there) was supposed to be the next day. oops. 

wednesday was hectic. i was in a behavior classroom at a school i had never been at before. turns out that the 2 other adults (the teacher and the other para) were also both subs. turns out, the kids in the class have had subs for more days this school year than they have had days with their regular teacher. needless to say, things were intense. we all did the best we could and made it through the day mostly unscathed. i was tired and cranky by the end of the day. tired of being the new kid, of not knowing when my lunch break is or what i am getting myself into every single day..

thursday was a bit better. i was in another behavior room, but it was at a school i had been at a couple times before. there is one person that works there that i read as being queer. we haven't said much to each other, but i think they are cute and its always fun to have a work-crush-for-a-day..

today (friday) i was at a school that i have been to many times before. its a life skills class and it is pretty much the same group of kids as last year. its a really good group of kids and the adults in the room are fun and overall it was a pretty good day..

so now here i am, with a hopefully sunny weekend ahead of me. and next week is my birthday. my mom is flying here on my birthday (thursday). we are going to have a dinner party at a friend's house that evening and then head to the farm i worked at all summer on friday. 

i might have found a place to live. moving sometime in november. and i think i am going to vancouver at the end of october for a few days. 

yeah for adventures! 

weekend review and things to come

i am back from a night in the woods.jackie, paula, frannie and i went on a quick getaway to visit our friend madeline who is living and working at breitenbush hot springs. we left the city around 6:30 last night and returned around 5:30 this evening.

topics of conversation included: exchanges of energy, roses and thorns, the change of season, break-ups, making choices, zhooping the hoo-hah, shoes, wisdom teeth surgery (pros and cons), tarot readings, saturn returns, etc.

music listened to; blonde redhead, beirut, teegan and sarah and mix cd made by frannie

car snacks included: fancy cheeses from new seasons, crackers, almond butter, rice cakes, almonds, cranberries, celery, carrots. 

it was nice to be out there. to spend time with others. the four of us had never really kicked it before. we soaked under the stars, drank tea and giggled over the ridiculousness of everything after being in the car for several hours. 

things have been going so well for me lately. i have had many moments of just feeling content with how things are. which is a fairly new concept for me. instead of worrying about what i "should" be doing differently.

coming back to the city, even after being gone for a mere 23 hours, has thrown me for a loop. it is always so good to switch up the routine. jumping back into the "groove" is always a bit more challenging. i am not feeling particular excited about going back to work and wondering what else there is to look forward to/be excited about in the near future.

i had spanish class tonight. wasn't as excited about it as i was last week. think it was a combination of me being tired and the material being tedious. 

saturday night my friends and i got dressed up all fancy-like and met up at chapman elementary to watch the vaux swifts do their thing. it was extremely crowded. we ate figs stuffed with blue cheese, noodle salad, carrot butter and crackers and buckwheat muffins. potlucks are always a bit of a challenge for me. i almost always feel weird afterwards. i tend to eat more than necessary to compensate for my social anxiety. then i will beat myself up for "losing control" or whatever. this is something i have been aware of and working on for a while and it feels tired and old.

after the swifts i ended up going to a free (for me) show at the wonder ballroom. i haven't been to a live show in so long. i enjoyed just sharing the space with other folks and the energy and sounds that the 2 bands were putting out there. 

there are so many things that i want, i have been practicing saying yes this week (accentuate the sssses). i have known what i want for a really long time and now i am just working on inviting that stuff to happen and not letting those voices of doubt and self hate get in my way. i am also examining my decision making process and the amount of energy i spend making decisions (and then second guessing them)..

the theme of the week is taking care of my body and honoring where i am at. acknowledging and appreciating my limits. staying realistic, positive and hopeful. 

"don't be shy, let your feelings roll on by" cat stevens, also sang by her frannie on her cat stevens club remix, made on garage band...

final days of summer..

so the fall equinox is on tuesday. are you ready? to be honest, i really like the fall. my birthday is in the fall (october 2nd, if you didn't know); i really enjoy transitional seasons. the breeze in the air, leaves rustling under bike tires. fall gets a bad rap because its the precursor to winter... in portland the rain starts in the fall, usually sometime in october.

i have lived in portland for almost 5 years. i moved here in mid-october of 2003. within a week of my arrival, i had a bicycle and a bass guitar. i bought those things before i even had a bed. i started volunteering at laughing horse books. spent a lot of time looking for a job, listening to records and cooking food with my new housemates. even though i moved to portland from santa cruz, i ended up living with a few kids from south dakota, which is where i went to high school. i went from being a part of the queer community in santa cruz to living in a house with a bunch of straight dudes.

there was rock n' roll joe, who lived in the basement. joe is kind of like the punk rock version of elvis, he has even been known to where fringe during concerts. he is the lead singer and guitarist of a local rock band. joe worked on-call as a stagehand, usually a couple times a month. 

morgan and shawn shared the master bedroom. they were dates at the time i moved and my main connection to the house. shawn and i had known each other since high school and he had even come to visit me a few times in santa cruz. the room i lived in was tiny. and when i moved in it was less than 200 dollars a month because another couple and their huge dog, grizzly bear, were living in the basement as well. 

ian, also known as ianhead, was living in the other bedroom. when i came to visit before moved in, i wasn't sure what it was going to be like to live with ian. he seemed like kind of slacker and hung around the house a lot, sometimes without a shirt on. but we actually ended up getting along really well. we were both pretty 'chill' and tried to steer clear of drama, of which there was plenty.

there was also zoe, morgan's 10 year old dog whom everyone thought was a puppy. morgan was real excited to have a lady move into the house and insisted on being my portland guide. this usually meant the 2 of us driving around together, stoned, and her talking about a million miles per minute about everything. jumping from how the streets were situated to what her favorite record store was. i tried to keep up and retain as much as i could...

---friends, this is the beginning of a much longer story, i am realizing. if anyone has any feedback on how to make the introduction more 'active' or engaging, lemme know...--

i deserve to get what i want..

i am having a completely unfounded feeling that the special ed. teacher at the school i am currently working at hates me. sometimes she averts eye contact. her attention with me seems short. the truth is that she is probably just completely overwhelmed and the part that i like to add in is that she is also incredibly attracted to me and doesn't quite know what to do about it.

today is my second week at the same school, working with the same girl. she is real freakin' cute and part of me wishes that i could just stay working there for the rest of the school year. I am getting to know her and her routine. Today we spent some time doing yoga and riding her bike around during recess. but as tempting as it is to have that sort of regular schedule and you know, things like health insurance, etc, i am just not ready to give up me freedom. i am not going to commit myself to a full-time permanent job just for the hell of it... 

my therapist and most of my fellow artist/writer/traveller friends understand this. my parents kind of understand this. some of the people i work with don't quite understand this. are you in school? nope. do you have kids? uh-uh. i am just committed to healing/taking care of myself and its really hard to do that when you are working a monday through friday 9-5 (okay 8:30-3pm) job. i know that it is a HUGE privilege even to question whether or not to work that much. that's part of why i live in portland and not new york of san francisco. i pay $300 a month in rent. i don't need to work full time to support myself.

and i have other shit to do. i am an artist. a writer. teaching is part of what i do, buts its not the whole picture. and i am looking forward to a day when i am able to more fully integrate all of the things i like to do into my daily schedule.

and working 5 days a week makes me fucking neurotic. meal planning. early bedtimes. i am not one of those people that can make it through a work day on an apple and a cup of yogurt. i need nourishment. and it takes a lot of energy to make that happen.

i was experiencing a good amount of stress last week, working every day and coordinating the art installation that i co-created with my dear friend franceszka (which went fabulously amazing, btw). hence i only wrote one entry in here last week. i also spent the majority of my weekend healing from some sort of sinus infection turned chest cold that i caught from the cute lil darlin' i am working with right now..

but now i am back on track for the most part. i am also starting to network with some folks about starting a house in november. this is a pretty big deal for me. for the past 5 years that i have lived in portland i have always moved into other people's pre-existing homes and attempted to carve out space for myself in them. i am feeling extremely ready to start my own space (with a few good folks). i want a home... i want something to come back to..

"i deserve to get what i want", this was what came out of a co-counseling session i had over the weekend, "and it can be fun and easy".. 

getting what i want? fun and easy? you've gotta be kidding me. everything is supposed to be hard. you can get what you want, but only after years and years of not getting what you want, right? isn't that what heaven is all about? aren't we just supposed to wait until we are dead to get what we want?

so um, finding a home is going to be fun and easy..

becoming an established writer/author is fun and easy...

asking for what i want in my relationships is fun and easy..

surviving another portland winter is fun and easy...

we'll just see about that..

i am grateful..

Its been a long week. I am glad its almost over. I am working the next 2 weeks at the same school. i was really excited about being in the same place for a while. unfortunately, it's been rather challenging. the girl i am working with has a full time nurse with her at school as well as a full time aid (me for the time being). They have yet to figure out whom her permanent aid is going to be for the school year. she is a 'mainstream' 3rd grade classroom. she is cognitively at the level of a 3 or 4 year old. her main language is sign language. 

what's been hard. not knowing what to do with her most of the time. most of the classroom activities are way too advanced for her. she has been with the same group of kids since kindergarten and i think socially its a really great experience for her. academically, i am not sure how much she is getting out of it. the school psychologist does yoga with her every day. i think thats fucking awesome. 

It appears as though if i were interested in a full time/permanent position, i would be able to work at this school. what i am realizing more and more this week is that i am not sure how much longer i want to do this kind of work. working in the public school system as an aid feels really limiting, as far as how much i can do. for a long time i have been thinking about going back to school for art or music therapy. i think a good next step for me would be to contact someone i know that has gone to school for that. what their experiences/process was like..

my friend and i hung up an art installation this evening. the show is tomorrow. its an art show for procrastonators. its been a really fun project to work on. i want to invite more creation and collaborative projects into my life.

and its been fucking gorgeous out. people say that this happens every september in portland but i dont remember it ever being this beautiful. i have been riding my bike to work and every morning i am just so grateful to be alive and moving..

my housemates keep picking apples and making all sorts of delicious things with them, let's just say i have had crisp 3 times this week. things must be good.

TGIF

Its Friday night. Its beautiful out. I had a really good day.

I woke up at 6am so I would I have time to do aerobic yoga exercises before work.

The classroom I was in today was way fun. It is a transitional program for kids ages 18-21. The idea is to give them structure and support to become more self-sufficient and independent; to prepare them for "the real world". In the morning we read the paper, played music and picked apples and pears to make smoothies with. In the afternoon we played kickball with the other classes. Pretty rockin'. 

After work I rode my bike to the library, picking up the 2 books I had on hold (one is "How to Become a Famous Writer Before You're Dead" by Ariel Gore) and also managed to pick up a pint of Coconut Bliss ice cream. My friend came over and we ate ice cream with blueberries and talked about the joys and challenges of living with other people, amongst other things.

The extended weather forecast for the next week is sunshine every single day. I love it. Tomorrow I am going rollerskating at Oaks Park for my friend's birthday. Life is good.

Back to School

I have started a few blogs before and haven't been very dilligent about keeping up with them. We'll see how this one goes...

I am a substitute para-educator in the Portland Public School system. What is a paraeducator you ask? Good question..

A paraeducator is basically an educational assistant for classrooms that have kids with special needs. Since I am a sub, my job is completely different every day. The age range is kindergarten through some transitional programs for 18-21 year olds. This is my second year doing this work.

I am also a writer, a musician and an artist. I do yoga, I like to cook food and play with friends. I am queer, female identified and socialized. I have several tattoos. Most of my clothes I have acquired at second-hand stores and free boxes. Needless to say, I don't always fit the mold of someone who is working in the school system. 

Sometimes I feel more like a secret spy than someone than a figure of authority. I plan to use this blog to document and process what goes on my daily working and non-working life.

Thursday September 4th

Today was my first working day of the school year. Yesterday was technically the first day of school but I guess there wasn't a very high demand for subs because I didn't get any calls in the morning, which was fine, I needed the rest. I just got back into town after working at a farm outside of Corvallis, Or all summer. I am still re-adjusting to city life...

Today I worked in a behavior room for kindergarteners. Most of the kids in the class have autism and/or pretty severe behavior issues. This means that screaming, pinching, hitting, and kids trying to run out of the classroom are things that happen on a regular basis. Since it is the first week of school things are even more challenging because there are a few kids who have never been in a classroom before.

I have been at this school before and was excited to go back. Shortly after I got there, I remembered the one major issue I had with how the class was run. The teacher and the other paras all use gummi bears as positive reinforcement for good behavior. "Oh I like how Jimmy has been sitting quietly," the teacher will say, as she whips out her plastic baggie of gummi bears, handing him one for the whole class to see.

I do not agree with giving kids sugar, especially as a way of rewarding them. Um, dont you think its going to be even harder to get them to behave/listen to you/sit quietly/be nice to each other, if they are all jacked up on sugar all the time. I know, a gummi bear or two probably doesn't have that much sugar in it, but its a matter of principal, goddamnit!

Another thing that bothers me is that now for "security reasons" kids are only allowed to bring pre-packaged food to school to share with other students for birthday treats. Gone are the days of homemade cookies, now all the kids bring are Safeway cupcakes and plastic wrapped goodies. Its so sad.

I have just accepted a job for the next 2 weeks. I have also just decided to collaborate on an art installation with my friend, the show is next friday. Its gonna be a busy coupla weeks. Wish me luck...